If I didn’t have my dog, Bruno, I’d kill myself today.
Just make my way to the Golden Gate bridge and throw myself off. I tried to jump off the GGB about 5 years ago but I was taken away by the police and hospitalized before I could do it.
I’m tired of being a failure — a failure in love, a failure in life and a disappointment to my family. My family doesn’t care about me. They just think I’m crazy because I’m transgender. My Mom hasn’t spoken to me since December 2011. The last two times I tried to talk with her this year, she called me “A problem”, said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore because “I’m nothing but bad news” and hung up on me. And she hasn’t. Even when I had my shoulder surgery, no one in my family sent me a card or even called to see if I was doing okay. I’ve had every major surgery alone, with no family to love or support me in any way. So they won’t care and would probably be relieved to not have to deal with me anymore since I’m always such a problem for them.
Then there’s Sarah. I’m absolutely brokenhearted to have lost her love. It’s all my fault. I guess I don’t deserve her love anymore. I hate myself so much. I just wanted to be loved but I guess you can’t love someone as broken and fucked up as me. I deserve to die. I don’t want to live anymore.
I just need to figure out how to do this. Pills? I’ve got plenty of those — enough to kill an elephant. Maybe I’ll just make that jump off the Golden Gate bridge this time. That way, at least someone will think of me whenever they see the bridge. It’ll be like my own personal memorial.
The only thing that ever stops me from killing myself is my dog, Bruno. He’s like a baby to me and I don’t want to break his little heart and leave him homeless. I promised him that I’d love him and give him a forever home when I adopted him. I don’t want to break that promise to him. My death would break his little heart and I don’t want him to think I didn’t love him anymore or that I just abandoned him.
I have an appointment scheduled with my psychotherapist this evening. I’m not sure I’m going to talk with him. He’s a good Doctor but he can’t stop how badly I feel all the time. I’m tired of just hanging in there, only to live through more heartbreak, more pain and more broken relationships. I can’t take another broken heart or days of crying and no sleep. I miss her so hard.
I love you, Sarah. I’m so sorry for everything. I want you to know I loved you with all my heart. I just can’t get over losing you and I don’t want to be here anymore. <3 <3 <3