I’m greatly distressed about not having the financial ability to pay for my own gender reassignment surgery. The policy of my insurance company is that gender reassignment surgery is cosmetic only, which is absurd and flies in the face of established medical protocol for treating gender identity disorder. I can’t seem to convince them of the extent of torment I feel about being in the wrong gendered body.

I feel that it’s an urgent matter that should require expedient treatment because I feel so psychologically distressed by being in a female body. I can’t stand to look at my own body in the mirror. I want to jump out of my own skin. I hate having breasts so much because they betray my true gender identity. I feel disconnected from my own body and that makes it hard to desire intimacy or take care of health because I hate dealing with and being confronted with having a female body.

I’m not sure how long I can wait to have chest reconstruction surgery. It’s hard to explain how I feel. I feel afraid and desperate. I have had thoughts of cutting off or mutilating my own breasts in an attempt to finally get rid of them. Of course, I know this isn’t rational or safe and I’m aware that I could die by making such an attempt. But in the back of my mind, I’m constantly and desperately trying to figure out a way to have my breasts removed so I can finally look and feel like a real man. I don’t think I’d ever actually mutilate myself but feel discomforted that I’m not certain that I’d never be driven to take such drastic actions.

Yesterday, I read a blog article written by an acquaintance who also happens to be gender non-conforming. His partner is also gender variant. While walking in the Tenderloin, she encountered a group of about 3-4 men who made trans-phobic comments and threats when they saw her. One of the men pulled out a gun and said, “Let’s kill this tranny.” She ran and fortunately, they didn’t give chase. She was very lucky that she managed to escape with her life.

Although this incident didn’t happen to me personally, I feel very distressed by it and it’s been upsetting to me since I read about it. I feel very triggered and don’t feel personally safe to walk outside. I’m very afraid and feel a heightened sense of anxiety about my perceived gender. I’m extremely afraid that something like this will inevitably happen to me and cause me great physical injury, emotional trauma or death. No one can tell me this is an irrational fear because it’s not irrational at all. It’s extremely feasible and even highly probable. I guess the long and short of it is that I feel that I’m facing a serious decision. I can choose to harm myself in a controlled manner in an attempt to minimize my chance of death by removing my own breasts and be seen accurately and congruously as a man, or face the chance that I will be beaten, maimed or murdered and have no ability to control the injuries I could incur from a person or persons that hate transgender people and are attempting to harm or murder me because of it.  

I feel sick emotionally and physically. I’m considering checking myself into the hospital because I feel so distressed. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to actually go through with it because I can’t bear to admit that I don’t feel in control of my emotions or sense of personal safety. I feel weak and vulnerable and unsafe and afraid. I’m distressed by the thought that there are so many people out in the world who hate me or think I’m an abomination and think I should be killed or punished. 

I’ve made up my mind to take tomorrow off as a personal day from work. I’ll talk to Sarah when she comes home and hopefully be able to make a decision about what to do. I feel embarrassed about having to tell my employers that I’m in psychiatric distress and may need extended time out of the office to take care of my health. I’m distressed about having even less money to live off of if I take medical time off from work but I have to keep my priorities straight and do whatever I can to help myself because I have the ability to do so at this time.

I hate this. Even if I go to the hospital to treat my emotional health, it won’t take care of my need to have gender reassignment surgery. I don’t know what to do. I feel very distressed and desperate. It’s not fair that I have to wait and risk my emotional health and my life by looking like and being a man with breasts. I can only hope and pray that I won’t be at the wrong place at the wrong time and encounter that one person or group of people who decide that I have to die.